TEN FEATURES OF A TYPICAL RACQUETBALL SWING:
As a public service, JSVB offers the Ten Features Of A Typical Racquetball Swing. I have distilled these tips from my years* of playing racquetball. Just follow the numbers:
1. Adopt an appropriate strong stance to face the ball. 2. Keep your racquet arm bent, not straight. Lead the stroke with your elbow. 3. Keep your head down throughout the shot. Watch the ball hit the racquet. 4. Follow through the ball, snap your wrist at impact. The ball will shank with great velocity off the edge of the racket and head for your groin. 5. The impact of the ball with the testicle will be unbearably painful. Be sure to wear an athletic cup next time. 6. The ball will have more than enough speed to continue on smashing with great violence into the orbit of your eye (the orbit is the eye-hole in your skull bone). Note how the ball will neatly occupy the space where your eye used to be. Be sure to wear protective goggles next time. 7. Your grip on the racquet should be relaxed, but not enough to allow the... 8. ...Racquet to fly into your windpipe. Be sure to keep the racquet lanyard wrapped around your wrist next time. 9. With your voicebox crushed, you won't be able to say much to the emergency 9-11 operator, so get your opponent to call the hospital for you. Next time, don't play alone. 10. Now you will find out if the front desk at the health club actually watches the security camera in the racqetball court. If the ambulance paramedics and the lady at the cashier desk are all doubled over with laughter, then yes, they do monitor the camera in your court. Although your belongings should be safe, you can also expect a delay in receiving medical attention until the staff can compose themselves enough to try to help you.
* I have at least twenty years' experience, based on the estimated age of my sports equipment, and on playing racqetball at least maybe once a year on average.
As a side note, be sure to tune into JSVB tomorrow for my annual Happy Birthday To Me salute to myself. According to tradition, there will be some kind of babe in scanty clothing on display. Yay! Unless you find that kind of thing to be exploitative and offensive, then shame on me, I guess.
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