My absent friend Tony, whom I have not heard from in a long time save for scraps on my wife's Facebook account, started a blog called "The Paltry Sapien". It has much higher production values than JSVB, and it also has a lot of bite.
In his blog on June 25, Tony suggests that the ultimate redoubt for surviving a worldwide plague of zombies would be the the Celestial Hotel at Pic Du Midi, in the Pyranees of France. This is a real mountaintop scientific observatory coupled with a luxury hotel in the model of a James Bond villain's lair. I've illustrated the Pic Du Midi above. Accessible by gondola, Tony believes that he has found an impregnable fortress against the hordes of zack.
My simulations suggest otherwise.
First of all, in the event of a major zombie apocalypse, very few of us will have the wherewithal to jet off to luxury hotels in France. Most of us will be lucky if we can get out of our own neighbourhood without being bitten. For a zombie infection up to and including Level Three, I would suggest that your local Costco or Sam's Club would be your best choice: a local building with thick, windowless cement walls, a defensible gate, plenty of supplies, and if need be, the survivors can live on the roof or in the girders. Make sure you keep your membership card up to date!
Second, Tony has failed to complete a geophysical study of the Pic Du Midi region. While there is a gondola that reaches to the hotel, the site is also accessible via the Pic du Midi de Bagnères, a switchback road that leads up the south face of the mountain. The undead of Toulouse, the Pyrenees, and northern Spain, including Barcelona, would be certain to take advantage of this path. If James Bond were to be zombified, he might even bring helicopters, against which Pic Du Midi has no appreciable defense.
Third, and most damning of all, Tony has either through choice or omission completely avoided any mention of the Godzilla Factor. What this means is that although any plans you have to defend yourself against zombies may prove to be completely fruitless if Godzilla happens to come along and open up your fortress like a can of tuna. There's no point in creating a zed-proof domain if you're going to be blindsided by monstrous giant Japanese lizards that breathe fire.
My simulations have proved this out. You can clearly see in the illustration that the crowds of undead have no problem scaling the south face of the mountain, homing in on Tony's brain as if it were a beacon at darkest midnight. Godzilla, on the other hand, can easily climb the trickier ascent of the north face, leaving Tony and the last remnants of humanity in a position an awful lot like the last olive at the bottom of the jar.
As for me, I'm going to Costco to buy some plants... for zombies.
The Pic Du Midi illustration was adapted from a photograph by C. Etchelecou. The Godzilla illustration was adapted from a photograph by b_casual. Godzilla is the intellectual property of Toho Co. of Japan. The name of this JSVB blog entry is a play on the name of the very creepy very short story by John Collier, "Thus I Refute Beelzy". Zombies, bless them all, are public domain. My thanks to Tony for inspiring today's JSVB entry.
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