1226 - Eva Green Eats French Fries

Maybe it's intition, or maybe it's a psychic flash from someone in desperate need somewhere across the globe.  Regardless, I had a strong impulse to sketch in rapid fashion actress Eva Green eating a box of french fries.  This no doubt adds to the irreversibly eclectic nature of JSVB.

1225 - What The White Cat Said

The text in my dreadful handwriting says: "What the white cat said when she joined the Task Force..."

I'll post the answer to this conundrum when I ink in this drawing, sometime around a week from now. 

1224 - Bond Shames Bond

My friend Tony dredged up a few bits of artwork that I had thought were lost over the years.  I would have drawn this over twenty years ago.  Back then, I was a lot more fearless in my composition than I am now, but utterly lacking in skill with simple things like rulers, proportion, or line quality.  

So: the more I gained in being able to make my picture look like the thing I had seen in my mind's eye, the more I lost in spontaneity and resourcefulness.  Was that a fair trade?  You be the judge.

It's not great art, but it isn't Ungood.  I'll show another piece on Ungood Art Day, the next one coming up on the thirteenth of April.  It's a companion piece to EAMSA#6, which you can see, should you wish to punish yourself with my old artwork, by clicking here.   It's JSVB Post #286, way back when. 

I vaguely recall the movie night.  The first half was fun, and the popcorn was indeed galore for Goldfinger.  I think we all walked out of Casino Royale,  though, since it was that terrible and unwatchable 1967 version with David Niven and Peter Sellers. 

1223 - Snarksville Schematic

I've been commissioned to come up with something snarky, which is exactly what I like.  This map, although unlabelled as of yet, has solid foundations for snark: an eye-poking perspective, lurid colours, a limousine parking lot, a statue promenade, and a manger for the proles (upper left) - more than they deserve. 

1222 - "John Wayne Portrait"

Now I have a portrait of John Wayne.  It turned out pretty nicely, and I was doubly pleased that my wife recognized The Duke without me having to prompt her.  

However, it's not complete.  Unfortunately, I want to turn it into something eclectic and weird.  That will be on JSVB in the near future. 

 

 

 

 

 

1221 - Iterative John Wayne

I'm painting a portrait of John Wayne.  Why?  Perversity, I suppose.  I do have other things to get done.  

"Chon Wang?! That's a terrible cowboy name!"  Owen Wilson's Roy O'Bannon character blurts that out in the middle of Shanghai Noon (2000), referring to Jackie Chan's wild-west hero persona.  That line always makes me laugh. 

1220 - Sex Sells A 1990's PC

Despairing for something to show on Ungood Art Day, which is the thirteenth day of every month on JSVB, I searched one of my sketchbooks for inspiration.

I quickly found an overlooked opus in lurid pink that clearly fits into the category of "What was I thinking when I drew this?"  I can guess, but then why the old computer?  Or why the long-legged girl?  Why the pink pencil?  Or why the left-handed mouse (as I am right-handed)?  Questions obviously of interest to psychoanalysts everywhere.  

 

1219 - "Cherry Bubbles"

Today, the topic of conversation was hooker names.  Say you wanted a sexy-sounding alter-ego, so here's what you do: you take the name of your first pet and the name of the street where you grew up, put them together, and that's your hooker name.

We tried it out, but the results were not so sexy.  My wife acquired Fritz Sonora, while I became Frank Hudson.  Or Hudson Frank, take your pick.  On the Internet, Fritz Sonora is a musician so obscure even he changed his name to something equally obscure.  Frank Hudson, on the other hand, sells nice high-end furniture.  

What happens if your upbringing was less than middle-class?  Maybe you lived on a street with a number instead of a name?  Somehow Spike 104 sounds less like a hooker name and more like an FM radio station.  

So we went with Cherry Bubbles.  

There's nothing original in today's JSVB piece.   The graphic is of my friend Sylvia that I drew in 2014, while the cucumber is a re-use from last year.  The fonts are Typodermic.  The format was hedged from my friend Earl, who has made a few cards like this already.  The quote is from Sledge Hammer.  

1218 - Pi Pie

Pi Pie... it tastes like chicken. 




 

1217 - SLUMCO Porch Leveller

My friend Earl asked me what a porch leveller does.  It levels your porch, duh.

I bought one (and wrote it off on my taxes as a business expense!) from Slumco.ca, which is a reputable distributor for things like this.  

So, what does a porch leveller do?  What doesn't it do, I say.  I scanned the picture from the instruction sheet.  The text didn't scan well, so I'll just type it out here exactly as it reads:

Operate SLUMCO jsvb-01 Porch Levveler by follow letters:

a) Set unit on porch.  Obtain level using rotary handle mount.

b) Operate power switch by turn on with electricity. 

c) Torque roller can be set by pushing violence on torque lever.

d) Thermostat sees temperature, set knob high as will go.

e) Look careful through laser aim eyepiece by putting eye near.

f) NOTE: laser beam emitter resemble laser aim eyepiece a lot. May be easy to mistake laser beam emiter for laser aim eyepiece.  If so, eye may be lasered out.  Next time, wear goggle!

g) If eye lasered out, DO NOT try touch thermal spindle!  Extremely hot!  Will sear hand skin in tenth of second!  Next time, wear glove!

h) Other hand DO NOT contact powerdrill axle, rotate 75,000 rpm, rip skin off like peel from over-ripe banana.  Your finger is banana, worst case.

i) Axial pin mounts rotate fast at crotch level.  DO NOT place genitalia within axial pin mounts while rotating.  No more children for you!
j) Have cel phone nearby, call for help!  You did put cel phone nearby? (cel phone not included with SLUMCO jsvb-01 Perch Leveller)
k) Have First Aid Kit nearby (Firste Aid Kit not included with SLUMCO jsvb-01 Perch Leveller)
l) NOTE: Allan Belt moves automatical like due to machinery use.  Heavy belt links may catch clothing fabric and pull user into SLUMCO jsvb-01 Pork Leveller. If this happen, see m
m) Use First Aide kit to stop bleeding, cover wounds, burns, etc.
n) Try phone again, call help.  I know, I know, pretty tough to dial phone with no effin fingers. Use tongue to press buttons if not yet bitten off.
o) Re-attach fingers, toingue, etc. with First Aid Kite.
p) Phone for help, third time the charm.  We plomise!  
q) Ambulance hopefully arrive
r) Ambulance hopefully arrive soon
s) Ambulance get here soon!
t) Is that siren?  No, just neighbor dumb dog.
u) Stupid dog!
v) Yay! Paramedic arrive!  Explain what happen.  DO NOT MENTION SLUMCO!
w) Wait for paramedic to stop laughing
x) Wait for paramedic to stop laughing again
y) Go to hostipal
z) DO NOT SUE SLUMCO!!! NOT OUR FAULT!!!