"Cough into this kazoo."
My wife is so tired of listening to me cough all day, she gave me a kazoo to cough into. If I have to cough, at least I will be entertaining.
Here is the actual kazoo she gave me. I was going to draw a picture of it, but as you can see it's a "Mr. Entertainment" kazoo. I had to take a photo of it. An example where life improves on fiction, especially if you enjoy double entendres.
This is a more serious "kazoo", from GlaxoSmithKline. It's an asthma puffer, stuffed with some kind of post-modern steroid concoction. It helps me breathe, but it makes my head spin. Fortunately, I only have to use the device for a couple of weeks, and then I can put it away.
I made an audio clip of myself coughing into the kazoo: