Tuesday, September 13, 2016

1280 - "Ripcord Pants"

Today on this Ungood Art Day, traditionally the thirteenth day of every month here on JSVB, I resort to fart jokes.  Scroll down to see more, if you dare. 

After my wife and I had a reasonably serious discussion about what would happen if you farted into the blades of a rotating fan, we both agreed that I had some material for today, the thirteenth of the month, which is traditionally Ungood Art Day here on JSVB.  There is some science afoot here.  Farting into a fan is related to how hospitals invariably put their main air intake next to where automobiles idle.  It's all about managing airflow and toxicity.  

Most farts are just atmospheric gases: nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, and some methane.  These gases largely go through the digestive canal since they are swallowed with food or as a nervous response. The vile smell of farts comes from within the large intestine: sulfur compounds such as hydrogen sulfide, dimethyl sulfide, and methanethiol; organic compounds such as volatile fatty acids and amines; and skatole and indole which remain from the digestion of meats.  Consumed vegetables and tubers provide complex sugars which also contribute gases.  Finally, anaerobic bacterial emissions will round out the bouquet. 

Each of these molecules can reek, and in large enough concentration can even kill you if inhaled.  The most powerful smell, however, occurs when these molecules are mixed together and then sprayed out the anus.  So, anything that can expedite the dispersion process will also cut the odour significantly.

This is the thinking behind The Fabulous RIPCORD Pants, a personal flatus dispersal system.  It's pretty self-explanatory.  The fan works like one of those spinning plastic salad strainers, only the motor runs a propeller instead of a spinner.  Also, you wear it on your ass.  You blast away, then you pull the handy cord.  Louvered jalousies vent the airstream downward, away from human noses, but presumably closer to dog noses since they like that kind of thing.  

RIPCORD is not designed to handle any liquid or solid matter that is ejected, so always be wary of the wet ones, the dreaded "shart".  If your poots get hot and humid, best practise is to head for the nearest washroom.  Perhaps RIPCORD 2.0 will available in brown to help disguise such an extingency, but we here at Ripcord Labs will burn that bridge only once we get to it.