Wednesday, March 2, 2016

1217 - SLUMCO Porch Leveller

My friend Earl asked me what a porch leveller does.  It levels your porch, duh.

I bought one (and wrote it off on my taxes as a business expense!) from, which is a reputable distributor for things like this.  

So, what does a porch leveller do?  What doesn't it do, I say.  I scanned the picture from the instruction sheet.  The text didn't scan well, so I'll just type it out here exactly as it reads:

Operate SLUMCO jsvb-01 Porch Levveler by follow letters:

a) Set unit on porch.  Obtain level using rotary handle mount.
b) Operate power switch by turn on with electricity. 
c) Torque roller can be set by pushing violence on torque lever.
d) Thermostat sees temperature, set knob high as will go.
e) Look careful through laser aim eyepiece by putting eye near.
f) NOTE: laser beam emitter resemble laser aim eyepiece a lot. May be easy to mistake laser beam emiter for laser aim eyepiece.  If so, eye may be lasered out.  Next time, wear goggle!
g) If eye lasered out, DO NOT try touch thermal spindle!  Extremely hot!  Will sear hand skin in tenth of second!  Next time, wear glove!
h) Other hand DO NOT contact powerdrill axle, rotate 75,000 rpm, rip skin off like peel from over-ripe banana.  Your finger is banana, worst case.
i) Axial pin mounts rotate fast at crotch level.  DO NOT place genitalia within axial pin mounts while rotating.  No more children for you!
j) Have cel phone nearby, call for help!  You did put cel phone nearby? (cel phone not included with SLUMCO jsvb-01 Perch Leveller)
k) Have First Aid Kit nearby (Firste Aid Kit not included with SLUMCO jsvb-01 Perch Leveller)
l) NOTE: Allan Belt moves automatical like due to machinery use.  Heavy belt links may catch clothing fabric and pull user into SLUMCO jsvb-01 Pork Leveller. If this happen, see m
m) Use First Aide kit to stop bleeding, cover wounds, burns, etc.
n) Try phone again, call help.  I know, I know, pretty tough to dial phone with no effin fingers. Use tongue to press buttons if not yet bitten off.
o) Re-attach fingers, toingue, etc. with First Aid Kite.
p) Phone for help, third time the charm.  We plomise!  
q) Ambulance hopefully arrive
r) Ambulance hopefully arrive soon
s) Ambulance get here soon!
t) Is that siren?  No, just neighbor dumb dog.
u) Stupid dog!
v) Yay! Paramedic arrive!  Explain what happen.  DO NOT MENTION SLUMCO!
w) Wait for paramedic to stop laughing
x) Wait for paramedic to stop laughing again
y) Go to hostipal